The Ten Commandments (v. 2.0)
“Thou shall not bear false witness against your neighbor” Perhaps one of the least commonly known commandments, but if you’re one of those unfortunate individuals whose parents dragged to Sunday school (thanks, Mum) by their collar- then you may just know what this phrase actually means. What say you? No? The Ten Commandments are just an old world set of beliefs used as a means of societal control that have no relevance to us ‘contemporary’ folk? Conceivably, that could be the case.
Or perhaps we just need to spice The Bible up… Now, I’m not talking about giving it a 50 Shades of Grey style revamping (although I would eagerly await the NY Times review of this adaptation), but maybe we could just make a few minor tweaks & adjustments that would give us 21st century ‘peeps’ some understanding of these prophetic analogies. “Well, where can I find such a ground breaking assessment of these Commandments? I need them right now!!!” I hear you say. Firstly, I would have to strongly suggest you calm down… Secondly, before E L James or Stephanie Meyer release their ‘tween-friendly and sexed up’ translation of the great book, I have compiled a short list of the Ten Commandments that may invoke some sense of significance to our world. Now put down that iPad, you yuppies (unless you are in fact reading this article on your iPad, then by all means please continue…) and let’s venture in to a world that most of us Gen X & Y’ers don’t visit all that often…
1. I am the Lord your God.
Straight to the point. This really doesn’t need too much explanation… He is your God, okay? Good. Next!
2. You shall have no other Gods before me / Do not worship any false idols.
Justin Bieber fan girls are going to be totes pee’d off with this one. You mustn’t worship anyone else other than God. This includes technology and media, strictly no iGod’s! Any one from The Jersey Shore is not an acceptable idol either… and if you just thought ‘Yeah, but Snooki has totally changed her ways now after having a baby’, then I’d swiftly advise that you stop reading this article and seek psychological help, immediately.
3. You shall not make yourself an idol.
Look, I completely understand that you have 30 thousand followers on Instagram and your post-workout selfie once made it to the popular page… but you’re still not God, okay?
4. Do not take the Lords name in vain.
I’d say most of our parents have said this to us at some point in our awkward, rebellious teen years. So the next time you say ‘GOD, why did he block me off Facebook and call me a stalker?! I only wanted to see if his new girlfriend was prettier than me! She’s so not’ Jesus Christ, get it together and replace that word with ‘goodness’, or my personal favourite ‘OMGOSH!’.
5. Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy.
I’m really hoping that everyone knows that Sunday’s are the Sabbath Day. Nursing a hangover from the night before and praying that you want to die so you can end the pain does NOT count as ‘keeping it holy’.
6. Honour thy father and thy mother.
When your mum calls you just to have a ‘quick’ 2-hour chat about who her favourite contestant is on the X-Factor and to ask you meticulous questions about why you’re still single… You better pick up that phone! And you better pretend to be interested.
7. You shall not Kill/Murder.
Just don’t do it. It’s not good.
8. You shall not commit adultery.
Don’t cheat. I don’t care how hot she/he was, or how drunk you were… Unless Channing Tatum strolls in to the room and starts doing his Magic Mike routine especially for you (yes, I have thought about this many times before), then all bets are off. In all other circumstances, ladies and gentleman, be faithful or be single.
9. Thou shall not steal.
Just don’t steal. If your mate puts up a really profound, life-changing quote on Instagram, don’t screen shot the picture and upload it on to yours 10 minutes later. Good etiquette is to always ask first, or comment with “totes stealing this, babes/mate”. Easy!
10. Thou shalt not covet your neighbours wife or bear false witness against your neighbour.
I must admit, I had to Google search what ‘covet’ actually meant, because I foolishly thought ‘surely it cannot be what I’m thinking it is’… and it was, in fact, what I was thinking. Don’t take/sleep with your mates wife. That’s reasonable. This rule is undoubtedly the modern day counterpart to the “Bro Code” and the Biblical equivalent to “bro’s before ho’s”. The inference here is to always have your mates back and just try to avoid stealing his missus. Did the Bible just get way cooler, or what?